I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I touched a dick in church today
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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