dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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