Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
