did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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