The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
