i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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