im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize