so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
