If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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