Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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