Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
