I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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