Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
