i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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