Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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