can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I came so hard my ears popped.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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