dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Randomize
