Well douche your snatch and let's go!
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
