Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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