it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize