I think i peed on brittanys purse
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
