god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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