I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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