My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
