Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
