He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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