My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
