Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Randomize
