some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
