a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
