I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
