2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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