Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
