just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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