On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
