Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Randomize
