i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
