I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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