He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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