we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
