He uses pillows to masturbate.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
