I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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