Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Of course I have a pirate flag
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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