Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I have fence marks all over my body
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
as a side note pls kill me
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