Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
