I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
