This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
