I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
