I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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