you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I want to fling myself into the sun
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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