By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
His hands were made for my vagina.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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