just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
