Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize