I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
