he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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