Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Help. Why am I so naked?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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