so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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