he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
