You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i believe in u and ur pee
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
