Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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