The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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