I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
this just has baby written all over it
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize