I met the friendliest cop last night
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
