considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
