I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
