Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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