My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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