I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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